Natural [Afro-Curly-Kinky] Hair & Interracial Relationships

It’s no secret; I swear by the silk/satin scarf.

As a black woman, I’ve been using them since childhood (as well as the handy stocking cap made with an old pair of stockings). We [black women] use them as our life line; for, our hair is a serious business. I have tons of scarves, and I guess you could say I’m addicted to them. If I see a pretty scarf, I will be quick to purchase it.  When I got off of the plane after arriving to Arizona, I had on one of my “freedom” scarves (I say “freedom” because sometimes, it makes me look like I’ve been searching for freedom). I’m a germaphobe, and since planes tend to have a plethora of germs, I like to keep myself protected. Besides, when i fall asleep, I want to make sure my hair is protected as well. That’s why I had on one of my “freedom” scarves.

Since I was in the house most of that following day, I kept on my scarf. For some reason, it made me feel comfortable, and I took it off sparingly.  Later on that night, I washed my hair, and as i was detangling it with my Tangle Teezer and my Kinky-Curly leave-in conditioner, Joseph walks up and says, “That takes a lot of work.” You see, this was the first time he had watched me wash, condition, detangle, and style my hair. Being that I wear my hair in its natural state, and it was a deep conditioner day, he saw the long version of my hair cleansing day. I gave him that look as if to say, “Yea, and…,” and nothing more was said.  As he walked away, I finished styling my hair, and put my scarf back on. From that night on, Joseph kept on trying to run his hands through my hair. Each time he tried to touch my hair, he was blocked by the scarf, and when he would try to kiss me, he sometimes had to move my scarf because the ties were falling in my face. I didn’t think nothing of it because for me, that was the norm. I always go to bed with a silk/satin scarf on. However, I guess Joseph had other plans.

Now Joseph isn’t the type of person to verbalize certain dislikes, especially if he thinks it might offend you. Well, let me rephrase that. Joseph isn’t the type of person to verbalize certain dislikes, especially if he thinks it might offend you and he likes you (he can be very rude if he doesn’t like you, and he won’t hide it). Before going shopping this past weekend, Joseph and I had the following conversation:

Joseph: I love touching your hair.

Me: Thanks…I know *smile*

Joseph: Instead of using the tying things, could you use a pillowcase of the same material?

Me: What tying things?

Joseph: The things you sleep with on your head at night…those scarves.

Me: O…yes, I could. I used to have some, but I haven’t used them in a long time.

Joseph: Well, why don’t we get some today?

Per his request, we went to Bed, Bath & Beyond later on, and he purchased the pillowcase for me.  I’ve been using it each night, and I’m glad that we both got something we wanted. He gets to touch my hair at night, and I don’t have to worry about my hair losing moisture and being broken by the cotton strands :)

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30 thoughts on “Natural [Afro-Curly-Kinky] Hair & Interracial Relationships

  1. When Jasmine and I were living in Athens, GA we were going through a tough economic period. As a result Jasmine didn’t have any nice evening clothes, you know like an elegant robe or cute little shorts or anything. She had sweat pants and tank tops that never matched! She would put on her various scarves along with these tragic outfits. I dubbed this style of hers as “thrift store ninja”! She looked like a ninja on a budget!

    So, for a white dude I have super thick hair. I have to admit that I tried out using jojoba oil and scarves to control my hair… and it worked. So I may be the only white guy who occasionally uses this method to protect and control his hair. At the time that jasmine was a thrift store ninja I had an oversized red hipster beard. The scarves made me look like a tragic pirate…. God, I hope nobody was looking through our windows! lol

    Sorry for the long comment… just brought back some fond memories!

    • LOL @ “She looked like a ninja on a budget!” and “The scarves made me look like a tragic pirate…. God, I hope nobody was looking through our windows!” The image of that is hilarious!!!

      One of my friends, who is white, used shea butter on her hair to control it. She is super thick, long, curly hair, and I must say…the shea butter has worked wonders. With that being said, you’re not the only one :)

      P.S. I love long comments!!

  2. LOL. My husband used to hate my scarves and bonnets. He says that I look like Old Mother Hubbard or something. I have one of those extra large pillows, so satin pillowcases that fit are hard to find, plus he doesn’t like those either. So I continue to wear my scarves and bonnets. He now says nothing about them, but says that I take to long doing my hair on those hot oil treatment or deep conditioning days. Yet, he loves touching my hair– well you have to appreciate the work that goes into it being so soft. It’s great that your fiance is so understanding:-)

    • well you have to appreciate the work that goes into it being so soft
      Exactly!!

      Although the silk pillow case isn’t matching with our bedding colors, its a blessing for my hair (and relationship).

  3. Perhaps this is just from my own life observation but non-brown men always want to run their fingers through a womans hair …..while brown guys would never dear dream of that day. I always wonder if they are mildly disappointed that there is no such thing as running ones fingers through a brown girls hair. Well at least not in its curled state.

    I had a situation last weekend in which my bow wanted to wash my hair (he was overly curious I suppose). It became evident to him that a little dalop of conditioner will not do a darn thing. You should of seen the shocked holy mother of Jesus (insert fake spanish accent here) when he darn near had to empty half the bottle just to coat my entire head of hair. Though he loves the gigantic fro, he darn near lost his mind when I straightened it a week ago. After it reverted back to curly after 4 days he suggested that I straighten it again but I gave him that ‘side-eye’ informed him that it took me 4 hours to straighten and that I had no interest or time to spend on my hair like that on a regular basis. He has never asked any questions as I am sure he feels that…well I do not know for sure but somehow like all men they seem to think that our hair is some mystery better left alone.

    I would really like to know from your fiancée what his perspective was then, and what it is now of your hair as he has learned more. I have realized though we all may be alike in some respects across the board there is one thing that separates us all and it is our hair texture. Perhaps if you could coax him into writing a post (unedited of course) cause any woman can spot a politically correct answer from a man a mile away.

    What are your thoughts? Yes….say yes :)

    • Perhaps if you could coax him into writing a post (unedited of course) cause any woman can spot a politically correct answer from a man a mile away.
      I think that’s a good idea! I was just thinking its time for him to write another posting.

      I like to alternate with my products, and one of the products that I used is Giovanni. Well, now he is hooked on Giovanni (he won’t used anything else), and I try to not use it as much because I too have to use a lot of product. My hair is very thick and coarse hair, and two pumps of conditioner won’t cover 25% of my hair.

  4. haha i am laughing because i had that conversation with hubby before … he doesn’t get the scarves but i don’t get a lot of things he does so we just have to compromise … i can’t leave my scarves, lol. i’ve also noticed that since i have been transitioning he always wants to touch my hair … probably because when i was a permed head he knew i would make a fuss and now it just doesn’t bother me anymore.

  5. It’s not just men who are baffled by the intricacies of black women’s hair care techniques – white women are too! I may have to get you to introduce me to this mysterious world of different hair care products and rituals, depending on what kind of hair my daughter ends up with. It will probably be thick (like mine) and curly (like her dad’s), which will make for some interesting times!

    PS – Maybe this explains why my hubby (a black man) doesn’t seem to feel compelled to run his fingers through my hair! Years of training?

  6. My fiancee doesn’t really mind the scarf, but he does have a slight (and I do mean slight) problem with me not washing my hair EVERY day. I have tried to explain it to him and I think he gets it now.

    But I do have to have my scarf near by at all time when we are together…if not I feel…well naked! lol. He understands that much about me and my hair!

    • Yea, the hair washing thing…I’ve had to explain that too before (not with Joseph but with someone else I previously dated). Likewise, he had to explain to me his hair washing method (which was daily).

  7. Your post was right on time. I was just having these dilemmas in my own relationship. My boyfriend has never said he didn’t like my scarf because I didn’t really wear one. But, he is quick to take my scrunchie out of my hair at night… especially during the “special” moments. (btw: I don’t really feel sexy with a scarf on – is it just me?) He loves to run his fingers through my hair. And he also asked and asked to wash my hair – which we did. It was a great experience. But sleeping on my hair unprotected is taking a toll… I think I’m going to buy a satin pillowcase. Hopefully, this new addition to my/our beds will be acceptable… I’d love to hear other thoughts and stories! It is so nice to have others like me!

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