I’m not translucent on the blog. I’m transparent, but I’m not translucent. In other words, I don’t talk about everything, and my life isn’t an open book. Some stuff should be personal and reserved for my family (and sanity). However, I do feel the need to “vent” about certain things via writing because it gives me some sort of therapeutic relief, and it keeps me from taking psychiatric medications.
Recently, Joseph and I had a pregnancy scare, and it made me nervous as hayell! I’ve been reading the book “Taking Charge of Your Fertility” for many reasons, and it has helped me a lot. I’m able to track my fertility, ovulation, symptoms, temperatures, etc. The book is very thorough, and I’ve taken the information to be very thorough with my body as well. So a few weeks ago Joseph and I really, REALLY enjoyed each other…for some days straight…with no care in the world. We didn’t think anything of it because we used a birth control measure. It never crossed my mind that I could be pregnant until I started experiencing symptoms that I had never experienced before. The symptoms included tender breasts, slight cramping, nausea, fatigue, mood changes, and more. Normally, I don’t experience any of those symptoms during the duration that I was experiencing them prior to my expected period. Joseph swore up and down that I wasn’t pregnant, but I didn’t feel right. I know that the birth control measure we used wasn’t 100%. I was so nervous that I was calling my mom and asking her if she dreamed of fish because she normally dreams of fish whenever someone is pregnant. Paranoia + pregnancy(ish) symptoms when you’re not ready = Someone who is crazy enough to call her momma and ask such a dumb question.
Yes, I was that nervous.
I tried to calm down my nerves, but I can tell Joseph’s nervousness was increasing. He was doing unordinary actions such as putting items in the wrong drawers, and telling me every five minutes, “Everything is fine. You’re fine.” He would then walk away, and come back to say, “Don’t worry about it. Just don’t’ worry because you’re fine.” When I told Joseph his nerves were wrecking my nerves, he admitted he was nervous too. I finally took a test, and it came back negative, but I also knew that a negative home pregnancy test isn’t always accurate. I know so many women who had negative home pregnancy tests and were really positive for pregnancy. I called an associate, and she helped me calm down (for a while). As the next day passed, my nervousness went back up because my symptoms became worse. I talked to Joseph, and he said whatever the outcome is, we will make it work. By the time I made up my mind that I would go to see my gynecologist to get a blood test done, my period came on, and I was ready to do the praise dance in the restroom. I breathed a sigh of relief, but then I started feeling bad.
“Am I selfish?”
I want to be a mother and have a family with Joseph, but I also want my career. For me, a baby right now would just make things extremely hard for me because I would be encumbered with so much stress with entering into this accelerated nursing program. I know there are many women who have successfully went to school pregnant and/or caring for children, so I know it can be done. At the same time, I’m the kind of person who likes to make plans and set goals, and a baby doesn’t fit in that vision at this moment. Plus, I just got married, and I’m still trying to settle into being a wife. I can’t settle into being a mother too right now! What it boils down to is being able to devote time to school/career and a baby, and my attention wouldn’t allow me to be devoted to both…does that make me selfish?
Being married doesn’t automatically make me a baby making factory. Married women are questioned all of the time about when they’re going to have babies, and even though I answer with a polite “A few years from now,” I really want to say, “Don’t act like you don’t know me! You know I’m not the kind of chick who is rushing to have this man’s baby. Yes, I love him. Yes, I’m married. Yes, we’re on the right track. However, I have goals and dreams, and I’m not about to hinder any of them with having a baby right now. Also, do you think that’s what marriage is all about? Having some babies? If so, you have the wrong impression about marriage, especially my marriage. Now if you will excuse me, I’m going to research the difference between these DNP programs.”
Whew! Take a breather.
I’m sure women go through these emotions and feelings daily; for, we’re the ones who have to make a plethora of physical, emotional, psychological, and financial sacrifices. At this moment in my life, those are not sacrifices I want to take. I want to have some assurance (i.e. completion of my program, more financial stability) before I plunge into Mommy Land.
Selfish or not, I’m being honest with myself, and that gives me enough closure on this topic.